asshat green initiatives

In celebration of NOT Earthday/week/month, I thought I could probably rant a little about the green movement, especially since I witness the stupidity of these movement epitomized into one particulr person i don't ever imagine seeing again (thank Khali's multiple stabby arms). I have a lot of problems with the whole “Green” effort because it’s becoming a bit too communistic enforcement like (especially the troops of young whippersnapping green peace kids who are reaaaaaaaaaly going to convince me to go green by yelling at me, try me again and i will yell back at all the ASHRAE codes i've memorzed from LEED exam in your face and watch you weep in shame, i will out energyefficienfy yer ass anyday punk). Instead of just being smart about what you are doing like the ol Indian-with-a-tear ways, we now have crazy people who pushes green initiatives around while overlooking their asinine life choices.

One of these suckass examples of such initiatives bestowed upon me was the "let’s replace all the paper and styrofoamware in office with shitty plates and even shittier silverware" movement. Natalee Dee posted this gem the other day and the spoonless spoon is exactly what I’ve been using for the past 2 years of my sad soup-loving life.

Now, I’m not bashing IKEA here but I think the ex-coworker “asshat”, code name I’ve been secretly using with fellow co-workers, got these tableware and silverware from the lost and found bin at IKEA. As one who loves me a good antique and constantly trolls on Martha and her various ex-minionsblogs, these things should have been bought and placed directly into the recycling bin, as a green initiative.

Let’s rate these gems on the following criteria…Appearance, Utilitarianism, Washability.


Appearance: At first glance, these are plain, sterile, so they are perfect for corporate environment.
Utilitarianism: Try popping these suckers in the microwave for only about 15 seconds. Yes, your food is still cold, but the plates will be so hot you instantly will drop them on the counter. Oh, there’s first chip of the new plate. To protect your strong hand for hardcore mouse and keyboard work action, you have to get another plate to hold the hotter lava plate, so you can walk back to your desk, not looking ridiculous or anything, to eat your cold meal.
Washability: dishwasher safe eh? After a wash in the dishwasher, more chips. Yeah, these plates/bowls will be so scalloped you’d think the plates were dimpled on purpose to be deviled egg plates.


Appearance: Very minimalistic steel, looks like a cookie cutter cut all these from a flat sheet of metal foil. No bend in the spoon nor fork for ergonomics of powereating and spoon is so flat, it might as well be a flat metal spatula. Oh yeah, standard forks have 4+ prongs, these only have three. Perhaps we can all pretend we’re Ariel’s dad and eat off of the Trident. Let’s give this set a eating test shall we?
Utilitarianism: Ever try to eat soup with a spatula? Ever tried to eat peas/rice/beans/noodles from a trident with the pointy things at least 3/8 inches apart? Unless you are using these silverware as part of the “I can see you food but I can’t put you in my mouth” diet, you just may try to slice your own wrist open with a knife out of frustration. Oh wait, these knives don’t cut. I think I’ve gotten paper cuts from illustration boards the same thickness.
Washability: Oh yeah, these things are washable, if food can't even get on it, how would they even get dirty?.

Rating: FAIL. How about you don’t offer any dinnerware or silverware so people are forced to carry their own? No one has to wash other people’s dirty dishes then, and I don’t have to put up with moronic dinnerware/silverware choice. The forks also fail as dingohoppers, an afro-pick works through my mane way better than this metal scrap.

Lesson: Just like clothes, it’s about price per wear. Go with the Pyrex containers for lunches, Go with the one nice set of silverware for work, Go with the stainless steel chopsticks (the plastic and bamboos ones wear out), Get your own kickass nalgene water bottle/metal canteen, Bring your own mug, and wash it all yourself.

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